What the pshrink said
Dec. 19th, 2005 06:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enitharmonI went to see the counsellor at my GP's surgery this morning. It was our second meeting - I asked to be referred to her when I learned that the surgery had a counsellor again, as there are lots of issues in my past (bullying, abuse) that still need resolving. I feel I've had a raw deal from the NHS in this area and I can't afford private psychotherapy.
Typically, I can only have six sessions, which is worse than useless. Already two of the six have gone and we haven't got much beyond where I hope to go with it. One of my gripes is that my perception is that if you are intelligent and articulate, the NHS sees you as the bottom of the heap (and have to be punished for grinding the noble workers under my boot!)
What I'm trying to address is my feeling of self-worth (or more accurately my lack thereof). And my sense that whatever I have to offer is not valued by the rest of the world. Some people do value what I have to offer, of course, but for some reason it's people with no power that do, whereas those with power (to offer me a job, to publish my novel, and so on) don't. I brought up some of the bizarre paraoxes of my life, such as the senior director with Kensington & Chelsea Council who thought I was the best speaker he'd heard in the Chamber in thirty years - but not once was I ever asked to speak in a public platform. And there were the things that have hurt more recently, like nobody being much interested in my radio appearances, while the appearances of others are regarded as major events.
I wish I could get all this crap sorted out.
Typically, I can only have six sessions, which is worse than useless. Already two of the six have gone and we haven't got much beyond where I hope to go with it. One of my gripes is that my perception is that if you are intelligent and articulate, the NHS sees you as the bottom of the heap (and have to be punished for grinding the noble workers under my boot!)
What I'm trying to address is my feeling of self-worth (or more accurately my lack thereof). And my sense that whatever I have to offer is not valued by the rest of the world. Some people do value what I have to offer, of course, but for some reason it's people with no power that do, whereas those with power (to offer me a job, to publish my novel, and so on) don't. I brought up some of the bizarre paraoxes of my life, such as the senior director with Kensington & Chelsea Council who thought I was the best speaker he'd heard in the Chamber in thirty years - but not once was I ever asked to speak in a public platform. And there were the things that have hurt more recently, like nobody being much interested in my radio appearances, while the appearances of others are regarded as major events.
I wish I could get all this crap sorted out.
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no subject
Date: 2005-12-20 04:57 pm (UTC)I know what you mean about being angry with the world, and that's what I'm trying to address. What I don't get is the idea of me being charismatic - I tend to think I have the charisma of a boiled cabbage, which is why I am insignificant and invisible despite my talents!