The Book of Enitharmon

I've received a boost from semioticghosts, who has said very positive things about my Auschwitz photo album.

Esther is a photographer of immense talent whom I admire greatly - her work would shine out in any of the club comps I've judged so far - and her praise, which I know is not given lighly, is something to be cherished.

I can feel myself sliding.

I've already let things people said get to me, but perhaps if I catch myself now I might not slide too far.

First of all, many thanks to all of you who left messages of support. And to those who didn't but who thought about me and sent vibes. I thiki they've done a lot of good.

There's no getting away, however, from the fact that my hormones are rampant and I'm generally out of sorts.

Last night I had a really bad asthma attack at bedtime. I recovered from that eventually, but I slept fitfully because this wretched bug that been sitting on my chest decided to come out of hiding and move up to my throat and head. And my breathing was wretched this morning. There was nothing for it but to report to the back of the Royal Berks with a good book (which I happened to pick up from my doormat as I went out - Fences and Windows by Naomi Klein - thank you nice_cup_of_tea!

They were busy but I don't mind that, as I get seen straight away with breathing problems and the nebuliser is quite relaxing, being carried on oxygen-enriched air, so lying on a bed with a book for a couple of hours isn't unpleasant. There was a piss-head in the next cubicle who was both irritating and amusing - I think the nurses did amazingly well with him. My personal nurse, Jojo, was lovely and very chatty.

I had an X-ray which apparently found some residual infection on my lungs, so I've gome away with yet another kind of antibiotic - Clarithromycin; some steroid pills - Prednisolone; and a couple of extra inhalers.

I'm breathing happily now but still have a raw throat and a snuffly nose which I'm sure will get worse before it gets better.

To cheer myself up I bought a couple of V-neck jumpers in Debenhams sale - £17.50 the pair. One is a pale sage green, the other a kind of two-tone pink dip-dye effect. I'm pleased with those. And I still have some of my NSSVS chocolate left!

I had my final session with my counsellor this morning. I'm not sure how beneficial it's been. I guess I got something out of it in the limited time available, and ideas to work on, but I don't think I've got close to the underlying problems and I seem to have run out of support.

As ever, it all comes down to the way I interact with the people around me, or to be more precise the way I feel invisible in many social situations. Yes, I know many people who know me are surprised by this. This is why I need therapy or at least counselling to get to the bottom of it.

Verity the counsellor (no relation to Verity the Detective Inspector) thinks I should write about it more.

We were talking today about going to conferences, particularly those which are spread over several days. The Open University summer schools that I went to in the 1980s and early 1990s are an excellent example, I think. On arrival on the Saturday afternoon I was fine. I used to get myself sorted out and then mingle happily with the new arrivals, and not have any problems. I'd go to icebreaker events and chat happily with a variety of people. And then after a couple of days I'd find that, without my realising it, the people around me had 'clumped' into social affinity groups and I wasn't part of any of them. So I felt lonely, and depressed, and unloved.

Something similar tends to happen in a shorter time scale at parties. Well, tended to happen because I haven't been invited to a party for many years. I mingle happily with the early guests, but later on people have formed into clumps and I'm not part of any of them. So I drift from clump to clump and try to be accepted, but I feel frozen out. So I feel lonely and isolated and unwanted, and presumably dull and uninteresting.

And there's the rub. Dull and uninteresting. It happens, with subtle variations, with groups on the 'net too, where I'm not actually meeting people. Where others are feted for their wise words and scintillating wit, my own contributions and witticisms fall down dead. Now, I happen to think that I'm more than averagely bright but then I feel I'm not really supposed to say that because it's arrogant and it's not in my script. Just as, when I was at school, it was never to be my part to be praised for anything and I was supposed to sit quietly and the back and applaud my peers for their brilliance, so it's not my place now to be brilliant, I should just praise the brilliance of othere who may blow their own trumpets without accusations of arrogance.

Do I make sense? And if I don't, would you like to point out the flaw in my logic?

Perhaps I should check what I was posting four weeks ago.