Pond wanted

[enitharmon]

I need to find a pond where I can be the biggest fish.

If that means being the only fish, then so be it.

Comments

[oblivious.livejournal.com]

Can I ask why?

I had an interesting conversation with friends on Friday, I've been severely depressed since I was in my early teens and have only now got to a reasonably stable place. We were trying to help a friend who is also depressed and without going into details about her it emerged her big thing is the need to feel validated by other people. I think we all feel a need to feel validated but I think when we're depressed we're unable to get any of that validation from within so we rely on others.

For a long time I went out of my way to help other people, to the detriment of myself (still do it if I'm honest but it's not so extreme) and thinking back, the reason was that people would give me praise and I would feel worthwhile temporarily. Nowadays I don't rely on other people's thoughts of me so much, I believe I have good qualities which I kind of use to validate myself, I don't need other people to do it for me so I don't feel a need to do amazing things or to be the centre of anything.

I guess I am the only fish in my pond but I go swimming in lots of other ponds where I may be a smaller fish, or a bigger fish depending on the pond but none of matters because in my pond, on my own, when I go to sleep at night, I know I am the only fish that matters and I feel pretty big.

[swanofkennet.livejournal.com]

Of course you can ask.

And I think you are right - I have a very deep-seated need for recognition and affirmation. I know in myself that I am capable, but I'm not very self-confident and also a bit socially gauche, so I really crave being accepted and valued by others. When I put myself forward and get spurned, then I feel rejected and somehow not good enough.

When I was young I was never in the school choir or sports teams - though I desperately wanted to be - and I seemed to be forever sitting in school assemblies meekly applauding those who were being praised from the stage, while I was never, ever praised myself. I grew to resent that, on the quiet. Later on I wasn't so quite. I got angry, especially when I knew that there were things that I could do just as well but never got acknowledged.

There's a lot of that still iunside me. I do feel resentful of thouse who effortlessly rise to the tope while I find doors locked against me. I've often thought of lifge as being a long empty corridor lined with doors that are all locked against me.

In situations like the current one, the answer is simple. Unlock the doors and let me in. Of course I'm going to be frustrated if I'm kept locked out.

Do I make sense or am I wibbling?

[oblivious.livejournal.com]

You make sense :)

I don't think it helps that you see doors locked against you, I suspect by feeling that way you're automatically on the defensive before you've even tried the handle, that unfortunately makes it a self fulfilling prophecy! Kind of like the door isn't locked but you almost make sure that people lock it so you can prove yourself right! I have set myself up for so many failures in my life without realising it. One of my common ones was "everyone will leave me because I am bad", when I look back I pushed people so hard, I didn't really give them any indication I wanted them around or that they were any good for me because I spent all my time provoking them into leaving. It's only now I realise what I was doing, if you'd told me that at the time I would have punched you but of course people left. It wasn't because I was bad but it was because I pretty much ordered them to go but I didn't know that so it just re-enforced my belief.

I don't think that's 100% the case in this situation but I think it might be a big part of it. You got defensive very quickly and went on the attack and in doing so you almost locked the door yourself. Taking the issues of *why* you said anything aside and looking at it from a detatched point of view the way to get people to lock doors is to fly at them, call them names, not keep level headed or similar. From what I know of you you *are* a rational person until someone pushes the right buttons and then you get angry not just at the situation in hand but at every other time you've been made to feel the same way in your life.

I know you are more than capable of assisting in the current project, and if you look at other people's replies they've said exactly the same thing. It's too early to say you won't have a role, it all seems very "maybe" and "if" from where I'm sitting at the moment without any concrete plans. At this stage, logically, someone does have to take the lead and in this case it was Steve, I certainly never thought of having the Convention here but if I had then that person would have been me, likewise for you. It's part coincidence that it's him but at the same time it's also circumstance, I'm not sure if it matters why he's the one because 2 years down the line hopefully the success can be shared with others.

I can now only tell you what I would do and then it's up to you whether or not you think it makes sense. I would wipe the slate clean, I'd apologise to those I may have offended and admit I wanted to be included and was worried of being shut out. I'd then probably take the initiative and email Steve saying that I deeply want to be involved in organising this and is there perhaps anything I can do to help him right now. It might just be something small or mundane but projects have small or mundane bits in them. Perhaps there's nothing immediate that can be done but asking if he can bear me in mind for the future would be good to. See, I think he'd be more likely to want my help and see me as a useful asset that way.

Being honest, if someone told me everyone was mean I'd have reservations about having them as part of the team. If the situation was reserved I expect you'd have the same reservations! Sometimes to get what we want we have to take a step back, and do things that perhaps we don't 100% agree with. In the short term that can be difficult but in the long term it is entirely worth it! To get the best from people you have to "talk the talk" sometimes, get on side with them, and that's maybe where others have succeeded in the past. Maybe it's not the way we want to imagine it being but sometimes it's necessary and then things grow from there you know?

I don't mean to sound preachy so I hope you don't take it that way, I do understand where all parties are coming from!

[swanofkennet.livejournal.com]

I think your suggestions are very wise.

But I don't think the climate is right for wiping the slate clean. There's been more open nastiness directed at me overnight and apparently either I've been barred from the BCUK forum or restrictions have been placed on my activity there (I don't know exactly what as nobody has bothered to tell me)

I'd feel happier if certain people bothered to talk to me to find out what was up, rather thanh publicly pouring opprobrium on me.

[swanofkennet.livejournal.com]

Well if people think I've got to be treated like a naughty chald and ask permission to post then I won't bother.

You see why I feel I need to go and find somewhere I'm appreciated and not treated like dirt?

[pookledo.livejournal.com]

This may be a silly idea, I'm not sure, but have you thought about starting another project of your own?

You seem to do really well when you organise something such as the bookbags and your running. Maybe there is a project that you can do?

Only Fish

[jacinta-in-kent.livejournal.com]

Sometimes being different has its advantages... there are somethings I do wildly different from others and I am very good at that...I try to concentrate on the things I am good at. I am a fish with stripes. swimming the other way, while the others are plain silver, I may be even the ugly one but have a special skill, I could be poisonous! It is good to be your authentic self.. One can never please everyone...