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"I get the trips, you get the postcards"
Dec. 26th, 2006 02:27 pmYes, it was a good Christmas, but Boxing Day always makes me want to get out, walk somewhere on my own, and introspect. So I've been for a walk along the beach (grey and murky, little wind, very brooding and atmospheric) to introspect.
I haven't worked out my new year resolutions yet, but one thing I'm contemplating is to make 2007 the year I really matter. The year I finally find a field in which I can take a positive role instead of simply being a follower of others. After all, I'm at least as capable and intelligent as those who assume the right to take a leadership role, but I always get squeezed out. I'm bright, articulate, good with the media. I want to be a campaigner, I want to influence change, but whenever I try I find myself obstructed and barged aside by others who assume a greater right (for reasons I've never been able to ascertain but I somehow don't feel it's ability.)
I used to belive very much in the work of Amnesty International, so I joined in hopes of being an active campaigner. Actually I joined more than once, and each time I gave up because I was disiollusioned with the way it worked. As with all such organisations there is an invisible - but all too real - "class" structure. We do the campaigning, we get to do the fun things. All we want from you is your money, so cough up and go and sit quietly in the corner and speak when you're spoken to. Whaddya mean, you don't have all that much money? Whaddya mean, you want to do something active? Oh very well then, sit in the corner and write letters to people who aren't going to give a toss about any letter you write to them and almost certainly won't ever get to read them. Oh, on second thoughts we don't actually trust you to write your own letters, you might write soething original. Here's the letter we want you to write, now just copy it our word for word and sign it.
That was Amnesty International. It might just as easily be Greenpeace, or Shelter, or CND, or the Labour Party. There's always an Inner Circle who get the interesting things to do. I never seem able to break into that circle. They see something about me that isn't good enough, but nobody wants to tell me what it is. I gave the best years of my life to the Labour Party, back in the 1980s and 1990s when it was struggling to rebuild itself. I held a branch together, I got people out leafleting and canvassing at election times, often doing the bulk of the legwork myself when there was too much to do. What happens when I seek a nomination for a not-very-winnable parliamentary seat? Going after the same nomination in North Hertfordshire was an irregular attender at my party branch in London who was seldom to be found out working at election times but who clearly knew the right people - she wiped the floor with me at every nomination meeting. I failed to get a single nomintation; Sarah got to fight the seat.
And so it goes on. When I moved to Bristol I found myself at a Labour Party meeting in which, as part of an icebreaking session, I was paired with a city councillor to talk about ourselves and then introduce the other to the gathering. I had told of my work for the party over many years and was crestfalled to be introduced as a 'foot soldier'. Poor bloody infantry, me, then. Clearly not officer class. I can make myself useful by pushing leaflets through letter boxes. Leave speaking on public platforms and taking responsibility for managing change to your Betters. Whaddya mean, you thought the Party was opposed to the class system.
So, in 2007 I want to find myself a purpose in life that's worthy of me, dammit. I've done lots of quietly working behind the scenes, and now I want a bit of the spotlight, dammit!
If only I could find the key...
I haven't worked out my new year resolutions yet, but one thing I'm contemplating is to make 2007 the year I really matter. The year I finally find a field in which I can take a positive role instead of simply being a follower of others. After all, I'm at least as capable and intelligent as those who assume the right to take a leadership role, but I always get squeezed out. I'm bright, articulate, good with the media. I want to be a campaigner, I want to influence change, but whenever I try I find myself obstructed and barged aside by others who assume a greater right (for reasons I've never been able to ascertain but I somehow don't feel it's ability.)
I used to belive very much in the work of Amnesty International, so I joined in hopes of being an active campaigner. Actually I joined more than once, and each time I gave up because I was disiollusioned with the way it worked. As with all such organisations there is an invisible - but all too real - "class" structure. We do the campaigning, we get to do the fun things. All we want from you is your money, so cough up and go and sit quietly in the corner and speak when you're spoken to. Whaddya mean, you don't have all that much money? Whaddya mean, you want to do something active? Oh very well then, sit in the corner and write letters to people who aren't going to give a toss about any letter you write to them and almost certainly won't ever get to read them. Oh, on second thoughts we don't actually trust you to write your own letters, you might write soething original. Here's the letter we want you to write, now just copy it our word for word and sign it.
That was Amnesty International. It might just as easily be Greenpeace, or Shelter, or CND, or the Labour Party. There's always an Inner Circle who get the interesting things to do. I never seem able to break into that circle. They see something about me that isn't good enough, but nobody wants to tell me what it is. I gave the best years of my life to the Labour Party, back in the 1980s and 1990s when it was struggling to rebuild itself. I held a branch together, I got people out leafleting and canvassing at election times, often doing the bulk of the legwork myself when there was too much to do. What happens when I seek a nomination for a not-very-winnable parliamentary seat? Going after the same nomination in North Hertfordshire was an irregular attender at my party branch in London who was seldom to be found out working at election times but who clearly knew the right people - she wiped the floor with me at every nomination meeting. I failed to get a single nomintation; Sarah got to fight the seat.
And so it goes on. When I moved to Bristol I found myself at a Labour Party meeting in which, as part of an icebreaking session, I was paired with a city councillor to talk about ourselves and then introduce the other to the gathering. I had told of my work for the party over many years and was crestfalled to be introduced as a 'foot soldier'. Poor bloody infantry, me, then. Clearly not officer class. I can make myself useful by pushing leaflets through letter boxes. Leave speaking on public platforms and taking responsibility for managing change to your Betters. Whaddya mean, you thought the Party was opposed to the class system.
So, in 2007 I want to find myself a purpose in life that's worthy of me, dammit. I've done lots of quietly working behind the scenes, and now I want a bit of the spotlight, dammit!
If only I could find the key...
