enitharmon: (roadrunner)
Went for a run. Took it way too fast in my agitated state. Broke down after 25 minutes.

Meh!

Fed Up

Sep. 20th, 2008 08:30 pm
enitharmon: (Default)
The day had left me shaken up.

I did a lot of sewing to try to relax and that worked until the light started to fail and I couldn't do it any more. Now I just feel like throwing crockery at the walls. Even Tosca has retired beneath the duvet.

Grrrr!

Recovery

Aug. 30th, 2008 12:23 pm
enitharmon: (Default)
I can't believe how much sleeping I did last night.

It wasn't uninterrupted though. I woke at about 4.30 feeling muzzy and snuffly - I opened a bottle of red wine last night, forgetting that red wine doesn't like me much. After tossing and turning for a bit I got up to take an anti-histamine tablet, and then sat on the sofa with the radio on, reading for about an hour. After that I really zonked out. Really strange dreams, vivid and a bit scary. The one where somebody has been killed and it might have been me but whether it was or not somebody's after me for it (for some reason this also seemed to involve me having a bit part in a soap opera, so maybe that explains it.) The one where I'm on a bicycle, somewhere hilly and a long way from anywhere. Somebody I'm trying to rendezvous with but keep missing. It was 11.30 when I finally woke up.

I guess I must have needed it. Life seems better, somehow, this morning.

Coping

Aug. 29th, 2008 01:09 pm
enitharmon: (Default)
Yeah, well, I'm pretty rubbish at coping, aren't I?

One setback and I turn into a gibbering wreck. Everything I've achieved over the years vanishes from sight. Paranoia seeps through the cracks in my shell. I get that old, old feeling that goes back to being at school, that the world is scrutinising me minutely, waiting for me to fail so that I can be publicly humiliated and made to recognise my worthlessness.

I need a survival strategy. I have one, in part. Running helps. So do long walks on the beach. Even though reading when I'm agitated is not easy, and writing is impossible because I feel the scrutiny of those eyes, waiting for the slip-up, doing the cross-stitch is soothing for short periods. But I need something else, I think.

Do others have a coping mechanism that they'd like to suggest?
enitharmon: (Default)
demented wibblings )

Wobblies

Dec. 1st, 2007 01:31 pm
enitharmon: (Default)
Interesting things, journals. Through this one it was easy to see that last night's wobbly came just twenty-seven days after the last one. It might also be connected with my needing to go to the loo evey half an hour last night.

Meh.

Today I feel an urge finally to understand quantum mechanics before I die, so I want to revisit maths and try to get to grips at last with those elements that threw me when I was an undergraduate and left me feeling inadequate. Like wave equations, for example.

Of course, maybe this means I've finally flipped. But I'm not having anybody patronising me and claiming intellectual superiority.
enitharmon: (roadrunner)
Nine more 3s-and-1s.

It's a glorious day, as if summer had finally decided to turn up late. I tried to tell myself that I should leave my run until this evening when it would be cooler, but then I realised that would be wimping out as I probably wouldn't go after tea! Mind you, back in Reading I didn't do a street run on Wednesdays because Wednesday was Roadrunners track night and I worked extra hard in the evening then.

Which reminds me, I must find a local running club with track access.

Anyway, I feel much better today. The hormone eruption (for such it was, I'm sure) has settled down. Many thanks for supportive vibes and messages.
enitharmon: (roadrunner)
Just done another set of seven threes-and-oneses.

I was a bit reluctant today, and kept putting it off, but in the end I did it comfortably. It was a tad humid but not too warm, and there was just a slight breeze blowing up the channel. Perfectly fine once I got out there.

I was extra glad of a shower and a hairwash when I got home, however. Running along by Vickers I was dive-bombed by one of the numerous local herring gulls. Eugh!

Feeling much calmer today, and more resigned. There'll be other men, I expect. Just don't know where they are yet.
enitharmon: (Default)
I could go and play bridge tonight.

If I did that I'd meet people and talk to them, and generally be distracted, and that would be a Good Thing.

On the other hand, with my self-confidence very low, it's likely that I would play badly, and that would further undermine my self-confidence and could leave me feeling even worse. That would be a Bad Thing.

I could stay in on my own, and cry, and get drunk, and feel sorry for myself. That would be gratifying but, I suspect, a Bad Idea.

I can't decide what to do. Advice, please, Agony Aunties (and Uncles)

Meh!

Jul. 10th, 2007 08:09 pm
enitharmon: (Default)
I'm not depressed exactly.

But lately I have been feeling listless and tired all the time. Everything feels like such an effort, and nothing I work on seems to have any point.

I wonder if I am sickening for something?
enitharmon: (Default)
Having tosclets about the house means that I've managed an unprecedented unbroken run of LJ entries.

It also means that I've had little to say about life otherwise. It's probably just as well. Things are not good. I have ten days before I crash in flames and no sign of an escape. No, that's not true, I thought I had it sorted, but that arrangement fell through.

I'm sorry for being a pain and seeming to be a winger but, kittens apart, there's not much in my life to feel cheerful about.

Oh, last Thursday I went to the Bridge Club and, despite being partnered with Alan, a notorious old grouch who has read one book and treats it as gospel that everybody else should be familiar with, we came third!

Self-Esteem

Apr. 7th, 2007 03:29 pm
enitharmon: (Default)
I googled 'self-esteem'. I found a lot of entries that told me I could improve my self-esteem by sending sums of money to persons unknown. Hmmm...

Also, that self-esteem might be about being content with my lot and happy to be a plodding mediocrity. That I'm not accepting! Also, that some of the signs of high self-esteem in people are pretty unpleasant traits.

As an initial exercise, here are some things I think I'm good at, and I'll resist ending each with a 'but...' however tempting it may seem.


  • I'm highly intelligent
  • I'm very good at expressing myself in writing
  • I'm rather good-looking when i make the effort
  • I'm very good at critical analysis
  • I can speak well in public and present an argument
  • I have successfully directed a play for public performance
  • I'm surprisingly fit for my age
  • I'm good at playing bridge
  • I'm quite a talented photographer
  • I make a mean cup of tea
  • I'm a good and versatile cook
  • My cat thinks I'm wonderful


Feel free to agree, disagree, or comment generally. (Hint: Lots of warm fuzzies are a big help!)

Bastards!

Dec. 7th, 2006 01:14 pm
enitharmon: (Default)
I'm feeling hormonal today.

It doesn't help that the client I was counting on to get me through Christmas and the New Year has pulled out, leaving me high and dry and wondering how the hell I am going to cope, and even keep the roof over my head. I'm already hideously overdrawn.

To cap it all, I'm under attack from the people in Another Place who never miss a chance to have a go at me. I don't think those particular individuals read this journal but some of you know who they are.

I hurt and I feel like shit.
enitharmon: (Default)
Purloined from [livejournal.com profile] cereswunderkind

It looks pretty accurate to me, actually.


My Personality
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Extraversion
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Openness To Experience
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Agreeableness
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Conscientiousness
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enitharmon: (Default)
I haven't been running this morning.

This is because I woke up at 7 with a strong sense of anxiety and foreboding, which I haven't shaken off yet. Maybe running would help, but maybe it would mean I was tense when I ran and that wouldn't be helpful.

I may go out later, after the Ulverston Writers, if I feel better by then.
enitharmon: (Default)
A friend - at least I though she was a friend - suggests over the phone that If it's true that I feel repeatedly rejected over many years - since early childhood indeed - perhaps it's because I'm not offering anything.

I thought I was offering intelligence, enthusiasm and creativity. But maybe I'm wrong after all.

Any thoughts?
enitharmon: (Default)
[Poll #732140]
enitharmon: (Default)
I feel like shit this morning.

Last night I paid a visit to the Reading Beer Festival. I didn't drink all that much - three halves of beer - and I had a sandwich from the Hog Roast and a bag of pork scratchings. After I'd been there an hour or so, though, I felt my sinuses clog up. I also started to feel weak and vague, not in a drunken way but in an unwell sort of way.

The other thing is that I never learn. I go to these things in the expectation that I'll meet people I know, or that I'll engage with people I haven't previously known. It never seems to happen. I didn't see anybody I knew, unless you count the members of the excellent Ding Dong Daddios who weren't available to talk as they were busy providing the entertainment.

So after a while I went home, I was feeling depressed too, by this time, and very, very tired, and all sorts of crud was rising up in my head. I phoned a friend to dump on and received some hard but wise words. Then I went to bed.

I slept fitfully, with bizarre dreams in the sleep intervals. In between my mouth felt parched despite pouring lots of water down my throat, and I was visiting the loo at regular intervals.

I suspect there are hormones involved in this.

Could anybody spare a hug or two please? I'm not a bad person, despite what some people say.
enitharmon: (Default)
I found this book

in the local library a couple of weeks ago and I took it home to read, largely because mathematics has been problematical for me all my life.

The book was fascinating, but it was also very frustrating. For one thing, while I don't doubt that Marcus du Sautoy is a very talented mathematician, he isn't much cop as a writer. He repeats himself endlessly and he doesn't pick up a metaphor without flogging it to death. For another thing, it was full of anecdote and name-dropping, but there didn't seem to be an awful lot of actual maths in it.

Long wibble about my troubled relationship with maths )
Would anybody care to comment?
enitharmon: (Default)
stolen from [livejournal.com profile] beebarf

DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:High-Moderate
Dysthymia:Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:High-Moderate
Cyclothymia:Slight-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:High
Postpartum Depression:N/A
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